Back towards the end of the year, I had decided to read through the Bible this year. I started to last year and then spent half the year obsessed with my new found love and the other half planning a wedding so it got put on the back burner. Not a good excuse I know, but there it is. As I have been dealing with this anxiety, I am becoming desperate to find the answer as to why I am struggeling with this, and I have grown up with the belief that "Jesus is the answer". That seems very cliche and is very easy to say, but I am growing more and more convinced that this is the truth. The answer is not that if I force myself to go to Wal-mart enough times, I'll get over this. The answer is not that if I medicate myself enough, the chemicals in my brain will balance out and I'll feel normal again. The answer is that my Jesus is drawing me closer and closer to Him, so that He can heal me. I am like the woman in the scriptures, desperately pushing her away through the crowd, or in my case, through the fear, panic and insecurity, because if I can just touch His robe, I will be healed. Reading my Bible each night has gone from being a task that is just a part of my day, to a cry for help, a cry to feel some relief, because the closer I get to Him, the better a chance I have of being healed.
I have been getting together with a group of girls from church (including my two sisters) and working out three days a week and its been good, hard to get up at 5 AM but feels good to know I am being a little active. My heart hasn't really been in it though, having a husband who tells me I am beautiful all the time, is not good motivation to lose weight :) But the thought has been weighing (no pun intended) on my mind that it is time for me to really get serious about losing weight. I believe that it will help in all areas of my life, especially with the anxiety. So I am saying it out loud to all my blog readers (all 5 of you), that my goal is to lose 47 lbs and I'm giving myself until September 17th to do it, so for our 1st wedding anniversary I will be feeling great! I'll keep you posted on my progress.
I think the most terrible thing about anxiety is that it makes you feel very inward curved, you are so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you aren't able to focus on people around you. That's one of the reasons why I love my job, because its a safe place to me and therefore I can focus all my energy on the residents, just loving on them and comforting them when they are confused and scared. But in all other parts of life, I am selfish, unable to commit to things because I'm not sure that I can handle it. So for those of you who are around me in every day life, know that I am fighting, I am not sitting down and letting this beat me. Everyday, I am pushing my way through the crowd, my faith unyielding, knowing that if I can just get to that robe, I will be free.
"And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over."
Amen, and amen.
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