I have officially announced my pregnancy which is exciting
and scary for a lot of reasons, but I wanted to share my pregnancy story,
because when the Lord provides a miracle, the world needs to know.
When I was a little girl and grown-ups would ask me what I
wanted to be when I grew up my answer was the same, and it stayed the same: “A
mom”. Even when I had graduated from college and was interviewing with Hospice,
when asked what my life goals were, my response was, “I want to get married and
have a family”.
When Patrick and I got married, I knew that he wasn't ready
to have kids yet, and I assumed that like my mom and sister, I would be pretty
fertile. So I went on birth control. I stayed on BC until March 2013 when
Patrick decided that he was ready to start trying. I was so excited and
started making baby plans, but of course
it did not happen quickly like I thought it would. After a few months I knew
that something was wrong, I wasn't cycling like I should be, but by this time I
had stopped working and didn't have insurance so I was hesitant to start
spending money on fertility treatments. So we kept praying, kept trying, kept
being disappointed. For awhile we stopped trying, we needed a break and I
needed some time to go before the Lord and ask if I would be stepping on His
toes to seek some help. I didn't get permission for this right away, but when I
felt a peace about it, I spoke to the PA that works at my Dads office, who is a
very Godly woman, and who just happened to have completed her internship with an
OB/GYN office. She understood that we simply did not have money to spend on a
lot of testing and blood work but she spoke to her former boss and it was
suggested that I try Clomid, which is a medicine that makes you ovulate. We
started the Clomid in May 2014, and we decided that we would try it for 6
cycles and if it didn't work, we would be done trying and just accept it. In a nutshell this was my experience with
Clomid:
Cycle 1-Did not ovulate
Cycle 2-Ovulated but did not get pregnant
Cycle 3-ovulated, got a positive pregnancy test but lost the
baby at 4 weeks 2 days
Cycle 4-ovulated, got a positive pregnancy test but lost the
baby at 4 weeks 4 days
After 2 losses I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue with
the Clomid, obviously my body wasn't able to maintain a pregnancy and I didn't want to keep putting babies in there just for my body to reject them.
On Monday, October 20th (the same day my baby
niece was born), I spoke on the phone with my sister-in-law Jennifer. I am so
blessed that Patrick’s sister and I are so much alike, we have bonded over our
desire for natural living, homeschooling, and many other things. I told Jenn
about feeling so discouraged and that I wasn't sure what to do anymore. Jenn
asked me if she could ask her friend Beth to pray for us. Beth is a close
friend of Jenn’s and belongs to the Catholic Church where they have what is
called The Novena Prayer. Jenn said that Beth is a strong prayer warrior and it
seems that whatever she prays for gets a “yes” from the Lord. We joked that if
I got pregnant we may have to convert to Catholicism :)
The next day I got an email from Jenn who was forwarding me an email from Beth, who had written a beautiful prayer and suggested that I ask
close friends and family to join us in praying this prayer for the next 9 days,
starting October 23rd.
I ovulated on October 25th.
10 days later I took a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
2 days later I started cramping.
I called the midwife’s office and basically said “I think I’m
getting ready to have my 3rd miscarriage in a row, I need to make an
appointment to figure out what is wrong with me”. The lady that made the
appointment said “We are going to think positive and I’m going to schedule you
for your first ultrasound”. I thought “yeah right”.
One of the problems with having miscarriages is that when
you get pregnant, and you tell your family, you don’t get to announce it in a “Guess
what?!! WE’RE PREGNANT!!!” sort of way. You say it quietly with fear in your
voice, “I’m pregnant, but you know……just pray”. It’s kind of sad really.
BUT, then you get to say “we made it past week 4!”, and then
“6 weeks and I feel like I’m going to puke, and my boobs are sore, and I have
heartburn that keeps me up all night, yay!”.
We went to the doctors at 6 weeks and 3 days, and the lady apologized
for having to do an internal ultrasound. I said “M’am you can stick that thing
wherever you want as long as I get to see that my baby is okay”.
The picture popped up, and it was the most beautiful
little white spot that I have ever seen.
“Is my baby ok?”
“Baby looks good, measuring right on schedule. I’m not sure
if we will be able to hear the heart beat……”
“Bump, bump, bump…….”
Oh that sound…….its like the sweetest
song you will ever listen to. Our baby was alive! Patrick and I were overcome.
Until that moment, Patrick had been hesitant to talk about the baby, he knew
that every passing day I was getting more attached which meant I would be more devastated
if we lost it. But after that moment, of seeing and hearing it, its like we still knew that we may not get to raise this little one, but we would love
him/her as hard as we could for as long as could.
Precious.
Today we are 9 weeks and 3 days along, I’m still nauseous a
lot and my jeans are getting harder and harder to button, and we are so thankful
for all these signs that there is life inside of me growing and changing
everyday.
Now I know that it is still early, and that the Lord may not
have plans for this baby beyond a short time in my womb, and it is tempting to separate
myself and not let my thoughts wonder to things like:Is is a boy or girl? Who will
it look like? Will it be crawling next Christmas or will we have one more year with no broken ornaments? Even the scary thoughts like: Will it struggle with anxiety? Is there anything I can do to prevent that?
This baby deserves all of me. I am his/her Mommy, and I will
love, and cherish, and sacrifice, every moment that this little one is with me.
I don’t know if I will be a good Mom. I have had 31 years
all to myself. I enjoy having time alone, sitting and reading a book, watching a movie, the ability to jump
in the car and go somewhere quickly, long conversations with my husband. I
worry that I am too selfish now, that it has been too long and I will be
impatient and easily frustrated with this little person who will surely turn my
peaceful world upside down. But I’m using this time to allow the Lord to change
me. Already, this baby has wreaked havoc on life. I don’t feel good, most of
the time, I haven’t cooked for my husband in weeks, I can’t get the laundry
done or clean the house all in one day because I am sooooooo
tired. All. The. Time. But in those moments when I am trying to sit as still
as possible so as not to throw up, I
remind myself that this is a sacrifice that I must make for my child. I must
learn to sacrifice. I must.
Oh Jesus, let this pregnancy change me.
I want to share the Novena prayer with you, it is beautifully
written and so specific in the requests. I asked several people to join us and
even though I really didn't have faith that the Lord would be moved by a group
of His people praying, they did. They believed for me and it was powerful for
those 9 days, knowing that there were friends and family standing in the gap and
asking that the Lord grant this request. I do not deserve such devotion and commitment,
but I am so so thankful for it.
Read this prayer
slowly and let it wash over you and know that the Lord answered with a mighty “Yes
My Child, let it be so”
O
God, Creator of all mankind and of all things, you have given us life out of
the abundance of your love. Have mercy on us and hear our prayer.
Son
of God, Redeemer of all mankind, you poured your life out for the world because
of your love for man. Have mercy on us and hear our prayer.
Holy
Spirit, Wisdom of God, you warm our cold hearts and breathe life into our souls
deadened by sin. Have mercy on us and hear our prayer.
Holy
Trinity, please hear our prayer. Through the love of Patrick and Karen,
please grant to them the life of a child. May you bless Karen with the mystery
of pregnancy, the strength and tenderness of maternity, the sweetness of
infancy, the wonder of childhood, and the happiness of godly maturity. Grant,
also, that they may receive all graces necessary to assist their child on his
path to eternal joy in heaven.
Our
Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy
kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give
us this day our daily bread,
and
forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead
us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
We
love you and we trust in you, and we offer our prayers to you in the powerful
name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
