Lord make me courageous

Patrick and I are settling in to a nice little life out here in the country. Our little house is taking shape and personal touches have made it feel like ours. Yesterday we spent all day cleaning the house and doing yard work so it feels like we have a free day today. Being married is..........so many things, my life has changed so drastically in such a short time that sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to wake up back in my room at the Farm and Patrick doesn't really exist. But of course that doesn't happen and when I wake up in the mornings, my wonderful husband is next to me. Working for hospice has given me a different perspective on marriage, I think. Everyday, I watch one spouse say good bye to the other and where I didn't use to cry at funerals, I always do now because I can't help but think, is it going to be me or Patrick sitting at the others grave site? I wonder what will take us out of this world; dementia? cancer? heart attack? or the worst thought of all, a fire. The other night we were watching the movie Ladder 49 and at the end, when the main guy gets stuck in the burning building and over the walkie talkie, tells the other guy to get the rest of the men out, knowing that he will die in there. We both cried and sat holding each other very tight for awhile. Its tough to the wife of a man who will risk his life to save strangers, at the cost of leaving me here alone. But its awesome to be the wife of a hero. I'm so thankful we live in a small town where there are no skyscrapers or huge apartment buildings, I don't have to worry as much as other firefighters wives. I heard a song on the radio called "We were made to be courageous" by Casting Crowns:

We were made to be courageous
We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains
We were made to be courageous
We were made to be courageous

We were warriors on the front lines
Standing, unafraid
But now we're watchers on the sidelines
While our families slip away

Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more
Let the pounding of our hearts cry
We will serve the Lord

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

This is our resolution
Our answer to the call
We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall

We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside
May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous

-I am learning that I cannot have a heart of fear and always be worried about when Patrick and I will be separated. I know that each person that I spend time that is facing the death of their spouse, would not trade a minute of their life together. They do not think to themselves, "I wish I hadn't gotten married so I wouldn't have to go through this". Before we got married I prayed that even if God just gave me one day of being married to Patrick I would be thankful forever. So far I have had 3 weeks and I thank Him everyday for each one. Working for Hospice has given me more reason think about these things, but its also made me hug him tighter, tell him I love him a hundred times a day, and tell him thank you for taking such good care of me.
I know this was a really heavy blog but its just what is on my heart. Here is a funny picture of Piper and Izzy to lighten things up:

Life as we know it.....

Well, here we are. I have been thinking for awhile that I should start a blog to document the beginning of our life together. Everything happened so fast its hard to remember exactly how we got here. A year ago, Patrick and I had just met, hadn't even gone on our first date and now here we are, married. Life can change with every breath we take. Our wedding day was my most favorite day ever :) A day I thought would never come and all of a sudden it was here and I was about to walk down the aisle. I wish that I could have paused that moment and let it soak in, it was so precious. When my Dad and I paused at the top of the aisle, he turned to me and said "are you ready?". Oh yes Daddy, I was ready. Ready to get to the end of the aisle where my Love was waiting, ready to move into our little house, ready to start our life together. It was over before I was ready, when the fire truck arrived to carry us away, I said "I'm not ready to leave yet!". I wanted to stay where I was the princess and my favorite people surrounded me. But the firetruck was waiting, so we jumped on the back and off we went. We had a great time on our honeymoon, Cancun was beautiful, everyone was so friendly and we enjoyed some really good food. It didn't take long before we were ready to come home though :) I discovered that my new husband is not a traveler, he wants to be at home, surrounded by this things, especially his dogs and his truck. I love that guy :) So now we are home, enjoying putting our little house together, cooking dinner together, and especially loving not having to say good bye to each other every night. Life is good, things are just as they are supposed to be.