Sunday

Thank you to those who prayed for me on Sunday and have continued to pray for me this week. I wanted to share what exactly happened on Sunday since I asked you to join with my church family in praying over Patrick and me. During the church service, after Communion, Pastor Jay asked Patrick and I to come to the front where chairs had been placed for us to sit. I was so nervous, I almost felt like I wasn't going to be able to go through with it. I knew that this was Satan, trying to convince me to leave, which told me one thing. 

Something that he didn't want to happen was about to take place. 

As soon as Pastor Jay started speaking, my spirit calmed down and Patrick and I went to the front of the church. Pastor Jay also called Susan and Julia, two strong prayer warriors in our church family, and the Elders to the front. When Susan came and sat down next to me, I looked at her face, she placed a hand right over my heart, and I was struck with a feeling of.........rightness. I felt so strongly that Susan was the exact right person to be sitting next me, intervening for me. What is amazing about this is that a few weeks ago, Susan suffered a major heart and died 3 times before they were able to stabilize her. Ms. Susan is still on this earth for many many reasons, but on Sunday, I got the distinct feeling that one of them was because I needed her to fight for me.

Pastor Jay anointed Patrick and I both with oil and then prayed over us, as the the group laid hands on us. I don't remember the entire prayer but I do recall that Pastor Jay asked the Lord to take this fear and crush it like the shell of an egg and grind it into the ground. I have kept that mental image in my mind this week.

I wish that I could say there was a miraculous healing and I got up "walking and leaping and praising God", but God is not choosing to go about my healing that way. Pastor Jay made it clear that this was only the first step, and that my church family would stay by my side as I walk this road.

I am so so thankful for my church family, I know that those moments were so very significant. Anxiety is hard for people that don't struggle with it to understand but I felt so embraced with love and compassion.

Thank you. Thank you.

For now, I will continue to seek the Lord and ask only for my "daily bread". My prayer is just, "Lord please give me just what I need for this day".

"I cling to you, your strong right hand holds me securely" Psalm 63:8

Psalm 34:4

Listen to my prayer, O God.

Do not ignore my cry for help!

Please listen and answer me,

For I am overwhelmed by my troubles

My enemies shout at me,

Making loud and wicked threats.

They bring trouble on me

And angrily hunt me down.

My heart pounds in my chest.

The terror of death assaults me.

Fear and trembling overwhelm me,

And I can’t stop shaking. (Psalm 55:1-5)

This is very difficult to write, I really don’t know where to start so I will just dive in. If you have read my previous blog posts you know that I suffer with anxiety. This has been a struggle for almost 9 years.

I am so very tired.

I have made it through the last 9 years with the help of medication and little tricks that I taught myself to deal with difficult situations. But now I am tired. I’m tired of mentally making an escape route every time I walk into a store or restaurant. I’m tired of sitting in my car while the battle rages within me. “Can I do it? Yes. No. etc”. I’m tired of feeling like I’m just getting through life, instead of living abundantly. I believe my anxiety is one of the reasons for our infertility and I’m tired of being a childless mother. I am tired of being a prisoner. I am broken, mind, body and spirit.

Patrick and I met with our Pastor this week and his response was exactly what I hoped it would be. “We need to have the Elders of the church, along with the rest of the church family anoint you and pray over you”. Pastor Jay told me that I was being “oppressed” and that is not what God wants for me.

A deep breath.

A glimpse of freedom.

I know that there are so many things going on in this world, so many more important things then me. Which is maybe why it has taken me so long to ask (beg) for help. But I’m writing this to ask you, my friends and family to please join my church family this Sunday morning as they pray over Patrick and me, kneel before the Lord on my behalf and plead for healing. I do not deserve it. I will never pretend like I do, and He may not say yes to this request. But I’m so thankful that I have a church family that will stand up and ask.

“But I will call on God,

And the Lord will rescue me.

Morning, noon, and night

I cry out in my distress,

And the Lord hears my voice.

He ransoms me and keeps me safe

From the battle waged against me.” (Psalm 55:16-18)

Please Lord. Please.