Failure and Faithfulness

It's Thanksgiving! As much as I love Christmas and am so excited to start decorating our house, I refuse to float past Thanksgiving without really soaking in the precious time with family and dwelling on all the things that I really am so thankful for. This past week God gave me an opportunity to either count my blessings, or focus on what I feel is lacking in my life.

 I failed. 

Big time. 

My sister just had the most beautiful baby boy, and one of my close friends unexpectedly found out she is expecting and this combined with my already high temp of baby fever bumped me in a big way. And what spilled out was not pretty. I reacted in desperation and panic, I pushed my husband away because I felt that he was what was keeping me from having a baby. After a long week of feeling out of control with my emotions, Patrick, my parents and I went out to eat on Friday night. My anxiety level was through the roof, I could barely eat dinner because I could not get a handle on my nerves and I couldn't figure out why I was struggling so much. The restaurant we were at was only a couple miles from our house, I was with the 3 people that I am the most comfortable with, it just didn't make sense. Once at home I sat for little while reading my book called "What Women Fear" and I had an "aha!" moment. In this chapter the author talks about how so often we doubt that God is who He says He is. She brings up the story of Peter and the other disciples on the boat and the storm hits. Peter looks out on the water and sees Jesus standing on the water. When Jesus tells Peter to come, he hesitantly gets out of the boat and starts to walk towards our Lord, but then the doubt sets in. He looks back to where there is a big sturdy boat, he can plant his feet firmly on the floor of the boat, he can take shelter from the storm, OR he can continue to walk on water, towards one man, who may or may not be able to hold him up, should he start to sink. As in most cases, when the doubt sets in, Peter started to sink. Jesus had to close the distance between them and take his hand. In this book the author asks the question, what did Peter miss by not taking that walk? What did Jesus wish to show him, and because he doubted that Jesus is who He says He is, he missed out? What am I missing out on, because I doubt that God is in control? Everything inside of me is aching to be a mom, the longing that I have to be pregnant, give birth, and raise a child is so strong that at times it is hard to breathe. 

However. 

In my striving to be a Godly woman and wife, if I cannot stay calm and at peace in the midst of emotional chaos, I lose. My God is teaching me to be still, even when life is crazy and I feel like 30 is coming really fast. He tells me to Be Still. I couldn't get through dinner on Friday night because all week I had been anything but still. This weekend, I painted all day on Saturday so I had a lot of time to think and get my mind and heart back where they needed to be. It is not without effort, but today, I am at peace. As I am learning about what triggers my anxiety its becoming more and more clear, that it is more a spiritual battle then a mental one for me. I believe that the Lord always has His hand on my head, helping me to focus on what is good and true, but when I shake His hand off and run ahead of Him, He watches as I dive head first into unsafe territory, where doubt, fear, and panic live. He lets me sink, for just a moment, and then grabs my hand, pulls me back up, and places His hand once again on my head, leading me where it is safe, where truth, and peace are. There is freedom in that place.

It's okay that I am not having a baby right now.

It's okay.

Another milestone.....

I have been wanting to post a new blog for awhile now but I was trying to wait until some things were more settled. For over a month now Patrick and I have been in the process of getting a loan so that we could buy a house that we kind of fell in love with at first sight.

After a long several weeks of dealing with the bank, the only thing we are waiting for is the appraisal report, and we have heard a possible closing date of September 14th. Patrick and I seem to choose this time of year for milestones, we met in August, a year later we got married in September, and now a year later we are buying a house. Wonder what milestone next year will hold....:)

Along with the stress of all that, I have started my own at home business with a company called ViSalus. Most of you have seen my Facebook posts so I won't go into too much detail, but I have been praying that the Lord would provide a way for me to be able to stay at home when we have kids and this door opened up and so far it's been really exciting, first of all because its helping me to lose some weight and be healthier, second, because it is possible that if my business does well, my husband will not have to work 24/7 and may get to see our children grow up :)

My last couple of posts have been mostly about the anxiety that I struggle with and to be honest, it is still a huge part of my life. The medicine that I am on is helping, I am able to function at a fairly normal level, at least to anyone watching from the outside. In my desperation to feel like a human being again, I gladly went back on the meds and sort of put it in the back of my mind that at some point I would have to come back off if I ever wanted to have a baby, which most of you know, has been my hearts strongest desire since I was a little girl. Patrick and I are not even talking about starting a family yet, we (and when I say we, I mean he, because I was ready like, yesterday) feel that we need more time to get prepared ;) However, it is something that is probably in the not too distant future, Lord willing, and I need to start really thinking about how I am going to do this.  I know that my God is bigger than this, that He's got it, and that I need to rest in that. But when I think that my child might suffer because of me, I lose it.  I am working up the nerve to ask the Elders of our church to pray over me. I just want to make sure that when this happens, that I go in with complete and total belief that God will heal me. That is a victory that I will celebrate for the rest of my life if He chooses to let me have it.

Onto happier things.....it has almost been a whole year since we got married! Its so hard to believe. It has been the best year of my life, being married to Patrick is like...........having a constant play date. Sometimes we will fall into bed at night, so tired from the long day and we will end up getting so tickled  at something, and both be laughing our heads off and then of course being wide awake again. Life is so much better with him around :)

We did suffer a loss a couple of months ago, our dog Piper died unexpectantly at the end of May and we buried her out at the Farm. It was a very sad day, Patrick still makes fun of me for how hard I cried after always saying how much I am not a dog person.

We were not going to get another dog for awhile but after Piper died, Izzy was being very whiny and needy and we felt like it wasn't fair to leave her at home all day by herself so we decided to get her a new playmate. Enter Bessie Boo!:

Now, we thought that by getting another Beagle mix we would be getting a dog with about the same temperament as Piper. Wrong. Where Piper was very submissive and calm, she hated to be in trouble and was very laid back and chill, Bessie is the complete opposite. She is like this little ball of hyperactivity, if she could talk I imagine she would say "WHOO HOO!!! I love being outside! I'm going to chase that bug, no wait, I'm going to dig a hole, or maybe I'll try to get Izzy to play with me, or......the list goes on". Izzy did not (and still doesn't sometimes) want anything to do with Bessie, we don't blame her, Bessie is a lot to take in, but we are working on it. Even though we would rather have Piper back, she did come with a lot of baggage, her past greatly affected (effected? I can never remember) who she was and Bessie was at a great home before us, so she has no fear, no qualms about letting us know when she wants some attention. We get woken up all throughout the night with her crying for someone to play with her, Piper was too timid to be so bold! But we still miss her and wish she was still with us.

Anyway, I just wanted to catch everyone up on the happenings at The Stone House, we've had a year of laughter, tears, craziness, but mostly love so I would count it a very successful first year of marriage :) I know there is a lot going on with everyone and so many people in much more desperate situations than I am in, but if I come to your mind during your prayer times, just do me a favor and tell God that you too, believe that He will heal me. I don't deserve it, I've done nothing to earn it, but my sweet precious children, who I am already in love with, do deserve to have a mom that can take them places and help them experience life and adventure. Thanks Friends.

"But give great joy to those who came to my defense. Let them continually say, 'Great is the Lord, who delights in blessing His servant with peace!'" Psalm 35: 27

The Robe

"For she thought to herself 'If I can just touch His robe, I will be healed'" Mark 5:28

Back towards the end of the year, I had decided to read through the Bible this year. I started to last year and then spent half the year obsessed with my new found love and the other half planning a wedding so it got put on the back burner. Not a good excuse I know, but there it is. As I have been dealing with this anxiety, I am becoming desperate to find the answer as to why I am struggeling with this, and I have grown up with the belief that "Jesus is the answer". That seems very cliche and is very easy to say, but I am growing more and more convinced that this is the truth. The answer is not that if I force myself to go to Wal-mart enough times, I'll get over this. The answer is not that if I medicate myself enough, the chemicals in my brain will balance out and I'll feel normal again. The answer is that my Jesus is drawing me closer and closer to Him, so that He can heal me. I am like the woman in the scriptures, desperately pushing her away through the crowd, or in my case, through the fear, panic and insecurity, because if I can just touch His robe, I will be healed. Reading my Bible each night has gone from being a task that is just a part of my day, to a cry for help, a cry to feel some relief, because the closer I get to Him, the better a chance I have of being healed.
I have been getting together with a group of girls from church (including my two sisters) and working out three days a week and its been good, hard to get up at 5 AM but feels good to know I am being a little active. My heart hasn't really been in it though, having a husband who tells me I am beautiful all the time, is not good motivation to lose weight :) But the thought has been weighing (no pun intended) on my mind that it is time for me to really get serious about losing weight. I believe that it will help in all areas of my life, especially with the anxiety. So I am saying it out loud to all my blog readers (all 5 of you), that my goal is to lose 47 lbs and I'm giving myself until September 17th to do it, so for our 1st wedding anniversary I will be feeling great! I'll keep you posted on my progress.
I think the most terrible thing about anxiety is that it makes you feel very inward curved, you are so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you aren't able to focus on people around you. That's one of the reasons why I love my job, because its a safe place to me and therefore I can focus all my energy on the residents, just loving on them and comforting them when they are confused and scared. But in all other parts of life, I am selfish, unable to commit to things because I'm not sure that I can handle it. So for those of you who are around me in every day life, know that I am fighting, I am not sitting down and letting this beat me. Everyday, I am pushing my way through the crowd, my faith unyielding, knowing that if I can just get to that robe, I will be free.

"And He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over."

                           Oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Anxiety

Well apparently, I'm a terrible blogger. I find it hard to sit down and write about whats going on in my life when I'm struggling so much. Don't get me wrong, being married is a dream come true, I love my husband more then anything and he is such a good husband, most of the time I feel so undeserving of him. Some of you know that for years now I have struggled on and off with anxiety. When Patrick and I started dating I stopped taking my medicine and I did fine for several months. A couple times during the wedding planning, I had little moments where I thought maybe I should go back on the meds but then I dismissed it. On the plane ride to Cancun, I got a little airsick and ended up staying in the bathroom the whole flight. Being sick, in that little tiny space, with no way to escape triggered my anxiety to come back in full force. So for the past 4 months my wedded bliss has been tainted by this thing that I can't seem to overcome. I resisted going back on meds but when I realized that this wasn't just effecting my life, but Patricks as well, I gave in and started back on them. I've tried two different generics that unfortunately did not work so now I am back on the brand name, which will hopefully do the trick. Its very difficult and embarrassing when my husband has to do the grocery shopping because I can't handle Wal-mart, or I have to leave the restaurant suddenly because the combination of a lot of food and a lot of people makes me panic. Patrick has been so wonderful, not trying to force me to get over it, noticing when I have had enough and taking my hand and getting me out of the situation. He is getting a big taste of the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows, poor guy. I've been wondering what God is trying to teach me through all of this, I kind of think that maybe He wants to be sure that I don't misunderstand who Patrick is supposed to be in my life. He is not my Savior, he cannot heal me, and he is not all that I need. First of all that would be putting way to much pressure on my husband, and forgetting God's rightful place in my life. I do believe that God can heal me of this, I don't know that He will. Some days, I have small victories where I am able to go into a store and stay for while, other days it feels like I'm trapped inside a small box and can't get enough air. I don't want to rely on medication to help me function normally but for right now, its what I have to do. I want to stay thank you to my friends and family (especially Mom and Dad) who show compassion, even when I am being irrational, and to my husband, who got more then he bargained for, thanks for always holding my hand.