At the same time that I have been wanting to sit down and
write my birth story, I was also kind of glad for an excuse (a newborn) to put
it off. A lot of women go into their
labor and delivery experiences with a “we’ll see what happens” kind of attitude,
and are open to all the different options that are given to them. Not me. I
knew exactly what I wanted down to the last detail. I did a lot of research and was determined
that it was going to go the way I wanted it to, because I knew what was best
for my baby.
Ahem.
If I have learned anything about being a parent in the past
10 weeks it is that all plans usually go out the window; and I learned that lesson before Randall even made his first appearance.
Here is the list of things that I wanted versus what
actually happened:
1.
I wanted to go into labor naturally, no induction.
-When I was 9 days past my due date, I was so afraid that I was going to
have to go to the hospital to deliver that I let them insert a cook catheter to
try to soften up my cervix. First of all, it was HORRIBLE when my midwife put
it in, and second of all, it didn’t work. It was supposed to fall out after 24
hours and it did not.
2.
I wanted to give
birth at the birthing center. I was so looking forward to the big queen size
bed, the huge birthing tub, and the calm environment.
-When I got to the birthing center, the baby’s heartbeat was not what it
should be and my midwife told me that I would have to go to the hospital. I
cried. A lot.
3.
I wanted to be
free to move around, I planned on spending very little time in the bed.
-When I got to the hospital, they immediately hooked me up to a fetal monitor and put an IV in my
hand (they had to stick me 4 times
because I was dehydrated) so that they
could give me fluids.
4.
I wanted to have
a medication free delivery. I knew all the positions, pressure points, mind
over matter games; I was ready. Bring it on.
-As long as it took for me to go into labor when it started, my
contractions were coming really close together and they were super intense. I
was only 3 cm dilated and my mid wife figured we were looking at another 12
hours of labor. I knew that if I had to stay in the bed I was not going to be
able to handle labor that difficult for that long. After more crying I agreed
to an epidural.
5.
I wanted them to
delay the umbilical cord clamping.
-Randall
had meconium in his lungs so they had to cut it right away so that he could be
suctioned.
6. I desperately wanted
my sister Emily to be there when Randall was born. I felt like it was so
important that she be a part of that.
-She had to
be back at school on the 29th. I went into labor very soon after she
arrived back in Kentucky.
I felt like a complete failure. Me, the one who is such a
big advocate of natural birth, who felt so strongly that interventions of any
kind would not be necessary. I failed. Yes, my baby and I were both fine and I
am so thankful for that. But that does not mean that I do not grieve over my
story.
But let me start at the beginning.
Randall was due on July 18th. I knew the exact
day that I ovulated so there was no question about the due date, and even
though my sister kept saying that he would probably be a couple of weeks late,
I refused to believe that. I should have known that she would be right (she
always is, just ask her), but those 12 days of waiting were hard, emotionally and
physically. Finally on Wednesday July 29th around 4, I had what felt
like real contractions (as opposed to Braxton hicks). I had one every 15
minutes and they were very manageable. At 5:30 I decided to do some yoga. At
6:00 I was done and just lying on the floor when this really long, really
painful contraction hit me. I was so glad that things were finally underway!
Patrick started timing them and I got in the bath tub. We continued to labor at
home and when things got a little more intense (around 11:30 PM), Jennifer (with Noemi), Mom, and
Dad came over. The next few hours were how I envisioned labor. I was home,
surrounded by family, we had music playing, the lights turned down low, and we
all found places to lay down in between contractions. Patrick continued to time
them and touch base with my midwife and Mom and Jenn would help me with
positions and pressure points. If only we had stayed on that path.
Around 1:30 AM, something changed. I was no longer
recovering as well in between contractions and they were coming pretty close
together. I felt like I was progressing pretty quickly and it was a 1 and ½ drive
to the birthing center so we loaded in the cars and started making our way. It
was a very difficult trip. My contractions were very painful and were coming
every couple of minutes. I’m glad it was just Jenn and Patrick in the car with
me because my language was not very lady like :)
I just kept telling myself that when I got to the birthing
center that I would be ok because I knew that my midwife would help me to find
a way to manage labor. By the time we got there I was contracting every time I
moved. I thought that I must be in transition and this baby was coming very
soon.
I was 3 centimeters. And I was told that I had to go to the
hospital.
Are you kidding me?!
My biggest concern about the hospital was that the nurses
would try to take my baby away after he was born. If nothing else went my way
that was the most important thing to me. My midwife assured me that she would
not let them take the baby unless something was wrong with him. Some of you
might think that is a weird thing to worry about, as most babies do get taken
pretty quickly after birth to get weighed, measured, bathed, etc. So let me
explain:
When my mom was in labor with me they realized that the cord
was wrapped around my neck and they were going to have to do an emergency
C-section. Well back then they knocked the mom out to do a section, so after I
was born, I was placed in an incubator and it was several hours before they
brought me in to see Mom. There is a picture of me lying in the incubator and I
can’t help wondering what was going through my head. Here I was this helpless
little creature, I had just been pulled from the only world I knew, a world
that was dark, warm and quiet, and the
one voice and heartbeat that brought me comfort was nowhere to be found. Could
this have been a trigger that led to my problems with anxiety? I’ll never know
for sure, but I did not want to take that chance with my baby. (Just so you all know, my mom and I have
talked about this at length and she actually came to this conclusion before I
did. Also, Mom is constantly trying to do “skin to skin” with me now to make up
for the hours that we lost 32 years ago : )) So that little back
story is why I was determined that my baby’s transition from womb to world was
going to be as stress free as possible and that he would never wonder where I
was.
Anyway.
We got to the hospital and they put an IV in my hand and
wrapped the fetal monitor around me. I don’t remember much after I got the epidural,
it was like 3 AM at that point so I think we slept for a few hours. Mom, Dad and
Jenn left to get some sleep. I remember being really thirsty, getting the shakes
so bad I thought my jaw was going to break, and throwing up. A lot. My water
broke around 9 AM, I do remember that, but I’m not sure what went on between that
and when I started pushing at 12:45 PM. (side note: I could write an entire blog about how wonderful my husband was during this time, but I think the pictures say it better then I ever could.)
Maybe it’s a blessing that all of the “medical” stuff is a
blur to me, because the things I do remember are things that I never want to
forget. Right before I started pushing I asked my mom to put my hair in a bun. It’s
been a long time since my mom fixed my hair and I used to cry if there was even
the slightest bump in it. We enjoyed a little “haha” moment together talking
about that while she was fixing my hair. I wasn’t that worried about bumps on
this particular day but it was nice to feel my mom’s touch. I kept hearing my dad saying things like “I’ll
leave when she starts pushing”, and then “maybe I’ll just stand behind the
curtain” and then “if I stand if that corner I wouldn’t be able to see anything”.
I knew that after being with me during labor Dad did not want to leave for the
good part but he also had no interest in seeing “that side” of me, and I did
not want him to leave, so I think at some point I told him to sit in a chair that
was in the corner where he would be safe from any unpleasantness :)
At one point, me, Mom, Dad, and Patrick were alone in the
room for a few minutes and I was getting ready to push. We gathered together
and Dad said a prayer over us. It was a sweet moment that still brings tears to
my eyes. Later Patrick told me that while I was pushing he looked over at my
Dad where he was sitting in the corner and he could tell he was praying. I’m so
thankful my Mom and Dad were there.
Right before I started pushing Jennifer walked in. I was so
glad to see her! My sister and Patrick are almost exactly alike and they were
both determined that they were not going to look when the baby was coming out,
so at one point, I look up and they are
on either side of me and they are both facing the wall behind me, lol. They
both peeked as Randall was coming out, and they both burst into tears. It was
awesome :)
So now for the moment that I had been waiting for: With that final push, I felt my sweet baby
come into the world and straight into my arms. There really aren’t any words. I
think I said something like “I’ve been waiting so long for you!” and just held
him and cried. He just looked up at me with those big brown eyes and I was
changed forever.
They did have to take him for a couple of minutes to suction
the meconium in his lungs but they gave him right back and we were able to do
skin to skin for 24 hours, which I am so thankful for.
So that is my birth story. It didn’t go the way that I
wanted and I will always feel a little sad about that, but it is what it is and
if that is was it took to get my son here, I would do it all over again.
No one can prepare you for having a child. It is such a
different kind of love. It is different than the love that I feel for my
husband, it is raw, primal. I feel like I would be able to kill a man with my
bare hands if that is what I needed to do to protect him. For now, and for a
while, he and I will be a package deal, stuck together like glue. I don’t want
him to want or need me and not have me, so we are at each other’s beck and call
right now and that is what feels right and natural to me.
That is the first chapter of the Stone Family love story.
To be Continued….
(Here are some more pictures from that day)
