I failed.
Big time.
My sister just had the most beautiful baby boy, and one of my close friends unexpectedly found out she is expecting and this combined with my already high temp of baby fever bumped me in a big way. And what spilled out was not pretty. I reacted in desperation and panic, I pushed my husband away because I felt that he was what was keeping me from having a baby. After a long week of feeling out of control with my emotions, Patrick, my parents and I went out to eat on Friday night. My anxiety level was through the roof, I could barely eat dinner because I could not get a handle on my nerves and I couldn't figure out why I was struggling so much. The restaurant we were at was only a couple miles from our house, I was with the 3 people that I am the most comfortable with, it just didn't make sense. Once at home I sat for little while reading my book called "What Women Fear" and I had an "aha!" moment. In this chapter the author talks about how so often we doubt that God is who He says He is. She brings up the story of Peter and the other disciples on the boat and the storm hits. Peter looks out on the water and sees Jesus standing on the water. When Jesus tells Peter to come, he hesitantly gets out of the boat and starts to walk towards our Lord, but then the doubt sets in. He looks back to where there is a big sturdy boat, he can plant his feet firmly on the floor of the boat, he can take shelter from the storm, OR he can continue to walk on water, towards one man, who may or may not be able to hold him up, should he start to sink. As in most cases, when the doubt sets in, Peter started to sink. Jesus had to close the distance between them and take his hand. In this book the author asks the question, what did Peter miss by not taking that walk? What did Jesus wish to show him, and because he doubted that Jesus is who He says He is, he missed out? What am I missing out on, because I doubt that God is in control? Everything inside of me is aching to be a mom, the longing that I have to be pregnant, give birth, and raise a child is so strong that at times it is hard to breathe.
However.
In my striving to be a Godly woman and wife, if I cannot stay calm and at peace in the midst of emotional chaos, I lose. My God is teaching me to be still, even when life is crazy and I feel like 30 is coming really fast. He tells me to Be Still. I couldn't get through dinner on Friday night because all week I had been anything but still. This weekend, I painted all day on Saturday so I had a lot of time to think and get my mind and heart back where they needed to be. It is not without effort, but today, I am at peace. As I am learning about what triggers my anxiety its becoming more and more clear, that it is more a spiritual battle then a mental one for me. I believe that the Lord always has His hand on my head, helping me to focus on what is good and true, but when I shake His hand off and run ahead of Him, He watches as I dive head first into unsafe territory, where doubt, fear, and panic live. He lets me sink, for just a moment, and then grabs my hand, pulls me back up, and places His hand once again on my head, leading me where it is safe, where truth, and peace are. There is freedom in that place.
It's okay that I am not having a baby right now.
It's okay.
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