Anxiety

Well apparently, I'm a terrible blogger. I find it hard to sit down and write about whats going on in my life when I'm struggling so much. Don't get me wrong, being married is a dream come true, I love my husband more then anything and he is such a good husband, most of the time I feel so undeserving of him. Some of you know that for years now I have struggled on and off with anxiety. When Patrick and I started dating I stopped taking my medicine and I did fine for several months. A couple times during the wedding planning, I had little moments where I thought maybe I should go back on the meds but then I dismissed it. On the plane ride to Cancun, I got a little airsick and ended up staying in the bathroom the whole flight. Being sick, in that little tiny space, with no way to escape triggered my anxiety to come back in full force. So for the past 4 months my wedded bliss has been tainted by this thing that I can't seem to overcome. I resisted going back on meds but when I realized that this wasn't just effecting my life, but Patricks as well, I gave in and started back on them. I've tried two different generics that unfortunately did not work so now I am back on the brand name, which will hopefully do the trick. Its very difficult and embarrassing when my husband has to do the grocery shopping because I can't handle Wal-mart, or I have to leave the restaurant suddenly because the combination of a lot of food and a lot of people makes me panic. Patrick has been so wonderful, not trying to force me to get over it, noticing when I have had enough and taking my hand and getting me out of the situation. He is getting a big taste of the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows, poor guy. I've been wondering what God is trying to teach me through all of this, I kind of think that maybe He wants to be sure that I don't misunderstand who Patrick is supposed to be in my life. He is not my Savior, he cannot heal me, and he is not all that I need. First of all that would be putting way to much pressure on my husband, and forgetting God's rightful place in my life. I do believe that God can heal me of this, I don't know that He will. Some days, I have small victories where I am able to go into a store and stay for while, other days it feels like I'm trapped inside a small box and can't get enough air. I don't want to rely on medication to help me function normally but for right now, its what I have to do. I want to stay thank you to my friends and family (especially Mom and Dad) who show compassion, even when I am being irrational, and to my husband, who got more then he bargained for, thanks for always holding my hand.