“On the night you were born
the moon smiled with such wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you
and the night wind whispered,
'Life will never be the same'."
One would think that after delivering 3 babies, 2 of them unmedicated, I would have been more prepared the 4th time around; but as she has from the moment I saw those 2 pink lines, this girl surprised me.
I shared the story of my miscarriage and having to say good bye to my sweet Hali Rae, and really Elizabeth's birth is a continuation of that story. Hali is still heavy on my mind as I’m falling in love with Elizabeth and I feel like it is yet another gift from the Lord that the week that Elizabeth was born, Hali’s butterfly bush grew just tall enough to peek into our bedroom window; for me a sign that our daughter is still with us and also that she is thriving in heaven. I have whispered in Elizabeths ear that she has a sister, who made space for her and so we must make our days together on this earth count in honor of Hali.
As I’m sure is the case with most pregnancies after a miscarriage, this was a hard one, physically and emotionally. At around 9 weeks, my nausea suddenly went away and I remember calling Patrick at work to tell him that I was sure that I had lost her and apologizing to him for not being able to give him another child. A few days later I was able to hear her heartbeat and I sobbed in relief. It was this kind of emotional roller coaster that I have been on for the last 9 months and its been hard, but I guess most times of being molded by the Potter’s hands can be, at the very least uncomfortable, if not painful.
Fast forward to week 39 and this Mama was so ready to get this little girl here. I was doing lots of stretches, yoga positions, dance breaks with the boys to try to get labor going and I guess it worked because Thursday morning (August 20th) around 5:30, I got out of bed and my water broke. This was the first time that my water has broken before labor started and immediately I was in unfamiliar territory. I called my midwife, Marcia (who has delivered all of my babies) and she told me to spend the day resting and call her back when the contractions started. I got myself cleaned up and got back in bed but started having contractions that were coming quickly along with some nausea, so we called Marcia back and she said to go ahead and start making our way to the birthing center. We loaded the boys up and my mom followed in her car. On the way there we started to feel a little silly because my contractions basically stopped and it was obvious that I was not anywhere close to delivery. We got to the birthing center and the midwife checked me and I was at a whopping 1 centimeter dilated 😞. So at that point we had to make some decisions. Jenn and her 3 girls had come by that time and I felt really dumb to have dragged everyone all the way to Statesville, when clearly it was going to be awhile. My midwife recommended that we not go all the way back home because she felt like when things started happening it could go pretty quickly, and also the time spent in the car was time that I could be working to get labor going, so we decided to get a hotel room and spend some time trying to get some good contractions to happen. (Shout out to the staff at the Holiday Inn in Statesville because when Patrick called to get a room and explained our situation, they not only said we could go ahead and check in right then, but they gave us a suite that was right around the corner from the lobby so we could make a quick exit if we needed to.) So all 4 adults and 6 kids crammed into the hotel room and prepared for a long day. For the next several hours we walked around the hotel, up and down stairs, outside, inside and for the most part I had a posse of kids trailing after me 😊
Sometime that evening Patrick and I went back over to the birthing center so that we could make sure that the baby was doing ok and an ultrasound showed that her head was turned to the side a little which explained why it was taking so long to move her into the birth canal. We spent a couple of hours with Erica, one of the midwives, trying some different exercises and positions to get Elizabeth to straighten up that head, but I guess she was pretty comfortable because she stayed put. We went back to the hotel and got the boys settled in bed. Jenn and her girls had gone back home earlier to get some rest and mom and dad were able to get the room next door and they left to try and get some sleep. During the night I had several really strong contractions but they were really far apart so it still didn’t feel like much was happening. I was laying in the bed with Caleb and I kept waking him up and scaring him when the contractions were too strong to stay quiet, which led to me trying to comfort him and get through the contraction, so I knew it was time to go back to the birthing center so that I could focus and stop upsetting him.
We got to the birthing center around 7:30 AM and after being checked, found out that I was at 5 centimeters, which was encouraging. I knew I was going to need Jenn's help to get through the next 5 so Patrick called and asked her to start heading back to Statesville. 30 minutes later Marcia checked me again and I was at 7 centimeters, so we started getting excited thinking that we were really close.
We were wrong.
Baby girl was moving very very slowly and my contractions were sporadic and some were very strong and others were not. I was so discouraged, I felt like my body was not doing what it was supposed to do, plus I had been 2 nights with very little sleep and exhaustion was compounding all of those feelings. For the next few hours we tried so many different things to keep the contractions coming and encourage the baby to move down into the birth canal.
"What if you knew up front that you were going to be thoroughly decimated?"
I’m very thankful for my team, although at the time I wanted them all to just leave me alone, Marcia my midwife and my sister Jenn knew that we needed to make some progress because I was giving out and giving up so they made me go outside and walk the curb for about 15 minutes. Every 2-3 steps I would have a contraction and I would lower down onto the birthing ball to work through it. It was very hard to keep walking, knowing that it was making those painful contractions happen but it seemed to do the trick as far as getting baby into a better position.
We made our way back inside and at that point I was emotionally and physically done. Marcia had discovered earlier in the day that there was small lip from my cervix that wasn’t moving out of the way and in order for baby to come out, that lip would have to be manually held up while I pushed. Marcia tried to do this a couple of times while I pushed but I couldn’t tolerate the pain and screamed for her to stop. I remember saying over and over “I can’t do it, what am I gonna do? I can’t get her out”. At one point Patrick laid his face down next to mine on the bed and I said him, “I can’t do it” and he said “Karen, yes you can, this is the moment, this is when you have to dig deep and its going to hurt like hell but you can do it”
"It is you alone who must journey to another dimension, to claim your baby. This is spiritual work. We cannot come with you."
The next several minutes are a blur in my memory of voices all trying to get my attention in order to calm me down, or hands touching me, trying to move me into certain positions, I remember sweating and feeling like my uterus was in a constant contraction and if I could just have a minute away from the pain and the voices and the touching so that I could redirect my thoughts maybe I could figure out how to get my baby out.
"Surrender. Over and over, soften your muscles, rest between surges, and do it again."
I had a God given moment of clarity where logic defeated the panic and I knew that there was no other option but to walk through the pain. I focused my eyes on Marcia, my faithful midwife who has seen me at my worst and most vunerable four times now and listened to her voice as I prepared to push.
The pain was incredible but there is something about knowing that it is productive and it is the last trip to the edge that motivated me to grit my teeth and push as hard as I could.
"What if you understood: birth will bring you to your edge, and beyond that edge there is another edge, and then another, and another?
What if, you understood that up front, and gave the universe a handshake and a nod that you’re up for it."
Within 10 minutes I felt my baby girl slide into the world and the weight of her on my chest. She was covered in vernix and was all tangled up in the umbilical chord and I whispered in her ear, “Mommy’s got you”.
"You will emerge from the storm, a tiny boat on the vast ocean just after an epic storm, intact, forever changed, and weathered by the salt of your sweat and tears."
For the next couple of hours we lay in the bed together, her little face bruised from her quick trip through the birth canal and me a little broken, but a lot more whole.
Her brothers came into meet her; Randall was so excited and talked about how tiny she was, Wyatt took one look at her and said “Why she get so dirty?” and when we asked Caleb if he wanted to hold her he said, “No”.
Nonnie and Papa took the boys home and after eating, showering, and Elizabeth and I getting the all clear, we loaded up our newest little love and headed for home.
I am so thankful for the people that were apart of this labor and delivery, my midwives Marcia and Erica, Marcia was been a part of our family’s journey for 6 years now her calm steady character is what helped me get through the panic in each of my deliveries. Erica spent hours with us on Thursday night trying to get baby to move and you will definitely not get that kind of attention in a hospital!
My sister Jenn, each contraction, over and over again she would let me squeeze her hands, provide counter pressure, remind me to relax from my face down to my feet and she even provides comic relief in between surges.
My mom, who admits to feeling a little out of her element when it comes to natural childbirth, is my quiet, steady rock. She stays in the background but I could hear her praying and like I told her afterwards “I’m not worried about you helping me with counter pressure, I just need to see your face every once in a while”. She cried with me when I cried, she kept my boys safe and entertained at the hotel, she brought food and most importantly, she knew I could do it, even when I didn’t.
My Dad and my niece Eowyn kept 5 kids in the waiting room at the birthing center for hours, feeding them, playing, breaking up fights, keeping them from getting too rowdy and I’m not sure who had a harder day, me or them. Knowing that my boys were in good hands allowed me to focus on getting their little sister here and there is no way I could ever thank them enough.
And last but most, my husband; from the time my water broke (Thursday 5:30 AM) until Elizabeth arrived (Friday 3:11 PM), he never wavered, never took a break, he was with me through all the walking, stair climbing, toilet sitting, birthing ball bouncing, etc. He walked beside me though my tears of discouragement, my yells of panic, all the unflattering and unlady like noises and bodily functions that happen during birth, he was never far and that is exactly how he is in everyday life, always making sure that I know that his family is his first priority and that when I need him he will be here.
It has been a hard year but mixed in with the hard was a lot of good and now we have this precious little girl to add such joy to our family. 💕 We love you Ellie Mae!
Girl you rock! I delivered both naturally, but I am such a bad patient as far as having lots of people around, touching, talking, you name it—-
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