Letting go and trying again

It is hard to believe we are getting ready for another holiday season! Once again I have so much to be thankful for this year, as Patrick and I move into our 3rd year of marriage we often stop and talk about how much we have been blessed since we met. Since I have stopped working, life has slowed down quite a bit for both of us, we have cut several "luxury items" out of our life in order for me to stay home and Patrick to have a couple days off during the week so that we can be home together. Life is too short to put relationships on the back burner while we try to make a dollar in order to have stuff that we don't need. I have recently reconnected with some friends from college who I guess since we are almost 10 years out, I can call them "old friends" :) My friends Jodi and Gretchen came to visit last week, along with their 2 baby girls, Eliza and Hannah. Gretchen and I were college roommates and were basically inseparable for several years, she is the kind of the friend that I can say anything (and I do mean anything) to, and am never met with shock or judgement, just grace and understanding. Like me, Gretch struggles with anxiety and this visit reminded us that our friendship brings healing and peace, better then any meds we could take. One night after the babies went to bed, the 3 of us stayed up late (late for these old ladies is about 11:00), eating cooking dough and popcorn and talked about everything under the sun. We found that each of us, are carrying a burden and although each issue different, they all resulted in the same thing. All 3 of us were hurting and afraid of the what the future might hold. As we talked we kept coming back to the same 2 words; "Let go". I won't tell you their struggles but I will tell mine. It's not a secret that Patrick and I are trying to have a baby, anyone who knows me even a little knows that about me. Back in March when I came off my birth control I started charting, taking my temperature, checking.........things (TMI) and trying to make sure we timed everything just right. Well here we are, 8 months later and no baby. The last few weeks I have found myself obsessively googling information, pouring over my charts, reading into every little symptom, and basically driving myself and my husband crazy. As I was talking to my friends, I heard myself saying "You know, if I really had faith in God, I would just put the thermometer and charts away and just trust that the Lord will make it happen when its supposed to......................(light bulb goes off in my head).....................Hm. I guess that's what I need to be doing huh?" My gracious friends just looked at me with little smiles, partly because they know that this is exactly what I need to be doing, and partly because they know that it is a lot easier said then done. This past week I have been back and forth on my resolve because, really, can God handle this? I mean, doesn't He need my help? No. He doesn't. I look at my wonderful husband and this beautiful home that we have made and I think, how could I ever doubt that God's way is best? If I had had my way, I would have married that other guy when I was 23, had who knows how many babies with him by now, and probably lived a pretty okay life. But look at what I would have missed. I would have missed out on the best husband for me, and the best life for me. So yes, God's way is not only best, it is perfect and I would be a fool if I did not "let go" and let Him build our family as He sees fit. I am not saying that natural family planning and even more aggressive attempts at having babies are wrong, but for me right now, this is what the Lord is asking of me. I have done a lot of wiggling this week  ("well I won't take my temp everyday, BUT I have to take it some days, just to see") and yesterday I had a very anxious day, I went to the hair salon where I was a nervous wreck the whole time and could not make myself go to the grocery store afterwards. And I knew exactly why. When I hang on to things so tightly and refuse to let go, the result is chaos, first in my brain and then in my body. Last night I went in my room, got down on my knees and begged God to forgive me. I tried to control, I doubted, I worried, I did not trust. And that is sin, plain and simple. I let go. I released the grip I had on this huge life event, that I had no business trying to control in the first place. I was reminded that I have no place in trying to be in charge of when a human life is brought into this world, that no matter how hard I try, HE will be one to open up my womb when that little person is supposed to be created. I put my thermometer up, deleted the charting app on my Itouch and put a reminder to myself on my bathroom wall (where I was way to often taking pregnancy tests) that says "His ways are perfect". Then I just sat quietly under His authority for awhile, being still and letting His calm wash over me. Whenever I speak disrespectfully to Patrick (or vice versa, but he very rarely speaks to me disrespectfully), he says, "try again", which is his way of correcting my snotty attitude, but also showing me grace and giving me the chance to speak to him the way a wife should speak to her husband. Last night, alone in my room, my God told me to "try again". Today is a new day and I am so thankful for a God that doesn't give up on me. I hope everyone has a great holiday season full of grace and peace!